The Chance for Love and the Hurt that Follows...

For those of you that are keeping up with my story, you already know  that i have had my share of break-ups. I vowed never to date again to avoid the inevitable hurt. Well it has been almost a year now since I have legitimately dated, and I may break that vow now. I am undecided and am scared to death. I have known this guy for over two years now and will be moving across the country for college and a job but also to be closer to him. The thing that scares me most is that I actually want to date him. I have developed some very strong emotions towards him, and that scares the shit out of me.
 So here is my question to all my readers: Is Love worth the hurt? I understand that there will be hurt if I give this a chance. I also understand that people are only human and cannot be perfect. But I don't want to fall in love only to get hurt again. Some may say that I am living in fear. And I can agree with those of you who think so. I am only human. I am scared of hurt and pain. I am scared of that day when I am in tears because I wasn't good enough or the time just wasn't right. I am scared that I will put myself out there for a guy that might be and find out that he wasn't.
 Give it a chance? I am thinking about it. But I do not know if I am strong enough to take that next step. What advice can you give a guy that already knows both sides of the story? Follow my heart? That is for movies and fairy tales. Love can be a very happy place but I will always live in fear of the Hurt that Follows.

Time to Catch Up

 To those of you reading my blog, I apologize for the long lapse without any new posts. I have been very busy the last month and a half.
 For those of you waiting for my gumbo recipe, I will post a video instead of the recipe. The memory problems I have make it hard to write it all down but luckily my hands know what they are doing. For my recipes, I will post videos instead. You will also be able to find the videos on YouTube. I will release the link when I have an account ready to view.
 So what has happened in my life so far? Let's see... First, I came down with a nasty virus that lasted a good week or so. At least I got out my one time to get sick a year out of the way. Then, I moved down the road to a flat. All I remember from that was the immense amount of pain I had throughout the moving process. Not to worry. No hospitalization was needed. Just a few Naproxen and lots of ice and a cane. Yippee.... Moving took few days but the internet and cable took weeks to get hooked back up. Ugh! And last but not least, my mom got pregnant and a friend of ours that is staying with us is also pregnant. Can anyone say "House Nurse and Butler"? Lol. Do not get me wrong. I love that my mom is pregnant. But try living with two pregnant women who might blow up cause the AC is one degree too high or something. I kind of feel important though. Ok, now that I am thinking about it; my ego has doubled in size. I am needed and important!!! LOL. You might be thinking that I have no life right about now. Well it's not much of one but it's something.
 A few friends and I went to the club last Saturday night. We went to the gay club in Palm springs first but one of my buddies was very uncomfortable. To be honest, it was hilarious. His best friend might as well be his husband without the sex thrown in. Regardless, it was a great night. We ended up in Peabody's for karaoke night. We all sang a song despite our better judgment. I sang "Little Wonders" by Rob Thomas. The girls sand "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood and the guys sang some songs that I haven't heard of. They like 90's music. I never really got into that genre. Oh well.
 Until next time, (which hopefully won't be long) bye.

Droughts and Gumbo!

 So since I have moved back to Twentynine Palms; I have had zero sex. And please don't take this the wrong way. I am NOT a sex addict. I am human and a man at that....we have NEEDS!!! LOL. But seriously! I really want to get laid and/or go on a date. And maybe possibly try straight sex. Still a bit iffy on that one. I got so many questions that need answered! Why do girls like their boobs played with? Do all women want their "V" licked? How do I know that I am doing it right? Ect. Ugh. Well anyways, I have become a virgin again(if that is possible) and I really really want to get laid. And dropping my standards is not an option.
 I did cook a seriously awesome New Orleans style gumbo the other night though. A few of the neighbors tried it and to put it simply; if they were single gay men, I would've been married to three men and had sex with five men that night. Sigh. Now back to reality. They took leftovers to work and the stock pot full of gumbo was gone in two days. Three cheers for my awesomeness!!!! Woohoo! I will post up the recipe at a later time for those of you that are interested.
 Applied for college out here but the classes I needed were full and I won't be able to start college until the next semester. Luckily, I have my mom here. Gotta love it! Might not be your typical gay dude, but I am your typical college guy. Go ahead. Laugh. I am hysterical! Not really. LOL.

Apple pie

So here is my own version of apple pie.

What you will need:
1 baking dish/pan
1 pie pan
1 small sauce pan
1 large sauce pan
1 small skillet

Crust:
10 Graham crackers crushed
1/8 cup coffee creamer (Your choice of flavor. I use cinnamon caramel.)

Topping:
1/8 cup brown sugar
1/8 cup caramel syrup
1/2 cup granola
butter
diced apples and/or apple slivers

Granola:
2 1/2 cup of oats
2 tablespoons canola oil
2 cups apple juice
cinnamon
white sugar

Filling:
7 sliced apples (I prefer to use 2 golden 2 granny 3 red)
1 Tablespoon cinnamon
1/4 cup apple juice

 Ok! Now the granola will need to be made first. Pre-heat the oven to 400 degrees. Take the oats and create an even layer on the baking pan. Make a visible and even layer of cinnamon and sugar over the layer of oats. Set aside. In the small sauce pan, mix the oil and apple juice and bring to a boil. If the oven is not ready to use, let the apple juice/oil simmer until the oven is ready. Pour liquids, as evenly as possible, over the oats. make sure to mix until the oats are thoroughly coated. Bake for 30 minutes making sure to stir oats at the 15 minute marker.
 While the granola is baking, get the crust ready. Mix crushed graham crackers and creamer. You might need to add a little more but keep the mixture very thick. After lightly greasing the pie pan, form the crust. A spoon works well for this part. Go ahead and put crust in the oven with the granola for the last 15 minutes.
 For the filling, mix the apples, cinnamon, and juice in the large sauce pan and bring to a steady boil stirring occasionally. Be sure to stir apples from the bottom to get the apples cooked evenly. Cook 'til apples are soft. They should be like pillows so check often so that you don't end up with apple sauce. Once the apples are done, carefully transfer them into the crust. Use a spoon with holes in it as to not get the liquid. You will need the liquid for later. Add the granola to the pie and bake for 20 minutes. Drizzle caramel over the pie and bake for another 15 minutes or until the crust and granola is crisp.
 The topping is up to you. I like to use the slivers and diced apples. The slivers are simple. Add them to the pie for the last 15 minutes. For the diced apples, saute in the skillet with caramel, cinnamon, and brown sugar. Add butter as needed. You will need it. You are basically caramelizing the apples. If you want them to have more liquid, add some of the liquid from the apples from the filling. Saute until soft and evenly coated with sticky goodness and top off your pie! Serve warm with ice cream and a movie. I hope you enjoy!
 WARNING! I wrote this recipe off of memory. If you have been reading my blog, you know that I have some memory issues. So you might have to tweak this recipe to get the pie exactly right.

What You Can't Have

 Why is it that you want what you can't have? I have fallen in love with a guy I know I will never have. And, no, I'm not talking about Mario Lopez. But I had a crush on the guy for the longest time. He and I talked about everything. Or at least most everything. He helped me through a lot of hard times and memory farts. Sometimes I feel like I would do anything for him to include taking a bullet for him. And you'll never guess what happened. I lied to him and probably lost all trust I thought I had with him. Given the lie was only a "white" lie to make him jealous but it was a lie nonetheless. This is gonna be a short post cause I want an opinion. What would you do in my situation?

Heads up!

 Hey readers. This is just a little heads up for y'all to be on the lookout for the occasional "MOR"(My Own Recipe). All of the recipes that I post will be part of the cook book I'm creating. All recipes are of my own creation from past meals, snacks, and desserts that I decided to create. All you have to do is be the judge.

It's Raining Men! Hallelujah!

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Psych Wards and Kardashian Drama!

 So for those of you that have been reading my blog might wonder why I have not posted a blog in a bit. From the title, ya'll might be wondering what happened to have a title such as this... Long story but seeing as how you have time to read this post, I will go ahead and fill you in with all the gory details!
 Let's start with the beginning... While in the Marine Corps, I experienced a few things that have caused a few mental problems for me now. I was raped when I was 19 behind a club that I went to with a few "friends" and suffered through quite a bit of discrimination after I was outed. The stress of these things caused me to have anxiety attacks which sometimes led to seizures which eventually wore down my memory as well as leaving me with anxiety, depression, and PTSD. I also had to put up with the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy as part of my forced outing. I am by no means looking for your sympathy; but as I have gotten a lot of questions about my mental health in the past, I figured that I might as well get this out in the open now.
 Anyways, I was dealing with a lot of stress that landed me in my 3rd psych ward! Yippee! Not really. I felt completely out of place there as the youngest(22 years old with the majority of patients were in their 50's and 60's) and the only one getting treated for PTSD. I got the help I needed though and am not ashamed to say it. They put me on medications now and scheduled counseling sessions. Unfortunately, I had to cancel all my sessions due to more drama with the ex-roommate. But going back to the psych ward was amusing as well. I was surrounded by Mumm-Ras!!! Yes, I went there! I am a nerd and I am proud of it! LOL. My doctor was amazingly cute too! Talk about tall, dark, and handsome! Latino guy with an amazing smile. Sigh...
 Now about the drama. Da-da-da-duhhhhh. Now to all drama, there are always two sides of the story if not more. My ex-roomie offered to let me move in with her so that I could look for a job and a place of my own to live in. It was great at first. She and I got along very well and looked from the outside like a couple that had been married for 3 years. I mean like crock-pot dinners, evening outings to our favorite bar, and spoiling the dog. Things were really going well. I tried really hard to find a good job, however, I ended up doing porn, playing the keyboard for a chruch(which didn't end up paying at all), and selling Kirby vacuum cleaners. None of which paid well enough for me to move out, much less live on but it helped. I have a job coming up this next month where I would be making a good half a million at minimum. I had planned(and she knew about the plan) to reimburse her for the rent and to give her extra to spoil herself with as well as put some money down to buy her a car.
 And then the drama began... On the way to work one morning, I got into a car accident totaling my car after she had just bought a new alternator for the car. Then I ended up having to quit my job at the Kirby company in hopes of saving our friendship. Only had one day off a week and the stress and anger from work was getting vented on her. Then my nightmares(caused from my PTSD) just got too much to handle which ended up with me in the psych ward. Yay. Between quitting the job and the psych ward, she blurts out that she can no longer let me live there. I half understood but it gets worse. After I got out of the psych ward, I attempted to talk to her to see what I had done to upset her so much. She went on to explain that I was a hopeless failure and that she was tired of having me in our apartment. She went on the next few days with a hostile attitude and then called and lied to the cops saying that I had apparently threatened her with a knife and that she felt unsafe. I didn't even know that violence was in my nature other than video games or watching it on a movie. Regardless, I talked to the cops and explained to them that I had no knives in my room that I had easy access to and that that was the first time I had been in the same room much less talked to her. I also apologized for her to the cops for all 6 of them coming out for no reason. I have never had anyone call the cops on me before! WOW!
 Told you it got worse! So anyways, I ended up moving to Twentynine Palms, CA for peace of mind and drama free friends to find a new job and new college. All is going slow but much better than having cops at my front door! Until the next adventure!

Been a bit

 My apologies for not writing in a while. The new job has me working late six days a week. So what's new in my life? Let me tell you! I outed myself to my co-workers. Not sure why I decided to do that but went along with it anyways. They were more than surprised however. One of them telling me that that was the one thing he thought I was not. I want to know what he thought I was! LOL. I am probably the worst homosexual ever though. To let you all know what kind of "gay" I am, here is a list: I know very few show tunes; I do not have a lisp; I don't have a limp wrist; I absolutely love country music; I enjoy slaying zombies; I prefer a Bud Light over a Cosmo; I am comfortable with using the word "faggot" or "fag" in excess; I do NOT do glitter; I prefer a good bar over a dance club; I believe that if unicorns were to exist, they were meant for women, not men; I do NOT believe that rainbows symbolize who I am, ect.
 Now to be perfectly clear with a few things: I do have a pretty decent taste in clothing, interior decor, and men; I do listen to Lady Gaga on occasion; I might be a beer guy, but I will enjoy a fruity drink once in a while; I DO support gay marriage; I am an activist; I do hope to have a husband and children one day; I plan to march in Gay Pride, ect.
 So I guess I am a balanced gay? I have heard from other men that to be "straight acting" is to be a fake. I am "straight acting" because that is all I know. I was raised in a christian, home-schooled household. I am a military brat and was raised in the South. I joined the U.S. Marine Corps soon after graduating high school. And now I am in one of the gayest cities in the world. Welcome to San Diego.
 The vast majority of the gay populace are feminine queens for lack of a better word. And for what I am about to say, please do not get offended. The guys out here cry glitter, piss rainbows, and shit unicorns. Yes, I do not do the above. "You are a hater!" one might say about me. No, sir. I am "ME" and I am proud of it. I accept  everyone for who they are and who they try to be. If everyone in San Diego wants to look and act like Lady Gaga, then so be it. I will accept you and even throw down a beer with you! Just don't expect me to dance in the glitter and shimmery lights.

New job and old midget ladies....

So I am gonna start off by apologizing for not posting a new post for a while. I just started a new job selling the Kirby home care cleaning systems. Loads of fun. Lol. But seriously. I meet a lot of new and strange people on the job. The other day I went to this one appointment in Chula Vista where I met my customer who looked like an ancient midget lady. To be completely honest, I am 6'2" so anyone shorter than me is just plain short. This lady however was barely above my waist. I wasn't sure exactly how to react to this but went about doing my demonstration for her while answering the many questions concerning my height. "So are you the tallest in your family?" One of the many questions that she bombarded me with during the 1 hour demo. I have never felt so tall! Lol. I told Queen Bee about the little lady and with her vast knowledge of anything nerd tells me that she was "Mumm-Ra" incarnate. Yes. We do watch "Thundercats" in this house and we absolutely love our nerdiness! Seriously though, all she needed was about 2 rolls of toilet tissue wrapped around her miniature frame and she could've totally pulled "Mumm-Ra" for a Halloween costume party. She would've gotten  my vote for whatever contest she signed up for! What made it even better was that she sounded like she was just as old as the partly-mummified bat.
 Moving on, she was a great lady. Very friendly and offered me dinner which I politely refused. I don't know how she could've reached the stove anyways. Poor midget lady....

 So this new job of mine comes with morning meetings. Motivational speeches from our multi-millionare boss-man and theme songs that remind me of Sunday school. The songs have hand motions too. And we have to sing the songs and do the motions to "pump" us up every morning. Yeah. Not sure about everybody else but I sing and dance thinking to myself, "Why?". It is amusing to watch though. Everybody sings and dances while laughing at each other because we all look that stupid. What's worse is that the songs were created to be perpetually playing in your head. It's like brainwashing with music. I think that there are little Kirby salesmen dancing in my head from listening to those songs. Creepy but I have to endure the dancing and singing so my boss can appreciated his employees "motivation". Ya.

Don't Anybody Move...I Lost My Car!

 So this past weekend was a mess. A friend of mine(whom I shall name "No Balls") and his friend(More Balls) came to visit. What I did not expect, is the stupid guy that also joined the "party". Stupid and his girlfriend, Stupid Does, were exactly that. Stupid. Absolutely no manners and no sense of direction. I tried to talk them through the directions Barney Style. They got lost again and I had to meet them. Fail!
 Whatever the case, I am jumping ahead of myself. No Balls and More Balls took me to the San Diego Zoo before the Stupid Duo showed up. We got there around 4ish and parked in the "A" section(remember that!) There was one slight problem though. Between the three of us, not one knew where the zoo entrance was. We walked through the parking lot to find what we though might be the zoo entrance. Finding the San Diego Museum of something rather than the zoo, we asked for directions. Gotta give us that! Three grown men actually asked for directions!!! We were told to turn around and go back towards the museum and we would find the entrance to the zoo. Unfortunately, the zoo was no where to be found. We then asked someone else for directions who told us to keep walking towards the parking lot and to look to the left to find the missing entrance. As we neared the parking lot, we looked left and low and behold....The Entrance! We got to the kiosk to get our tickets when we were told that the zoo closed in an hour. Bummer. We decided to come back the following day. As we head back to the car, it strikes me. I have no idea where I parked the car! No Balls says that I parked in the "H" section. Seemed like a good place to start since any recollection of my car's whereabouts were no longer available. We walked around and around....and around and around. The car was hidden in a mess of cars for miles and miles around it seemed. We worked our way up the parking lot to find my car in section "A". Memory should be permanent for everybody!!!

 But anyways, I went out with them in search of an 18+ club for the Stupid Duo and some girl that No Balls had been talking to online that night. For those single ladies out there, don't lie when it comes to your looks. It will only leave you to think that the guy you had been talking to is a complete asshole when he finally wants to meet you and leaves because you aren't the person he thought he was talking to. If you were wondering what happened with the girl, we found them. And then we left because she was not the attractive girl he thought he was talking to.
 Moving on. We ended up walking around with No Balls's iPhone leading the way. About an hour or so later, we decided that giving up on finding an18+ club in the area was too far fetched. And the search for my car began. Now let me explain our dilemma. My car was parked in a half empty parking lot. The ones that you pay like $10 for the night. Anyways, after walking around for an hour and a half, one tends to forget which way they came. Not to mention there were about 5-10 other parking lots that looked the same as the one that was holding my car hostage. We did eventually find the car. At about 1:30 in the morning! Ugh.
 Now for those of you that might be reading this, there are ways we could've avoided the lost car situation. No Balls placed a pin on his iPhone to keep track of where I had parked. Unfortunately, the pin was erased. As far as memory goes, the Stupid Duo were no help at all. More Balls and I had already served in the military and our memory is seriously lacking. No Balls didn't remember in hopes that his phone would lead the way back. There is a big Pink Fail sticker saved for the whole group. So no worries! LOL. Until next time!

Drunken 5 Year Olds

 So this last weekend was great. After hours of boredom, Queen Bee(QB) and I decided to go to a local gay bar. When QB gets drunk, she transforms into a 5 year old with a grown woman's  body and a mix of maturity. To put it simply, she is an awesome drunk. Very entertaining! At this particular bar, there are events for certain days of the week. That evening, there was a Wet Underwear Contest. A friend of mine that I had met on a iTouch app, Grindr, and QB decided that I should enter. After 5 seconds of peer pressure I finally gave in.
 As a participant of said contest, one must strip to there underwear, get on stage and dance while getting sprayed with water. Usually there are three contestants, 1st prize is a hundred dollars cash. Sounds easy enough...'til that light is on you and your roommate is sticking out among the crowd half embarrassed to see her roommate/practically brother dance in his underwear. Regardless, I had fun doing it and won second place. One Free Drink For Me!!!! LOL.
 As the night went on, QB proceeded to get PLASTERED! First the munchies hit her. Aware of her new hunger, she proceeded to convince/harass the cute security guard for a bite or two of his burrito. Next hit the bladder. She drags me along with her to the bathroom where she goes on and on about her undying love for me and to never let her nomadic tenancies get the best of her. I love her! After the bathroom, her eye caught the luscious ass of the host of the underwear contest. Spotting this marvel, she decides that she must give it a squeeze... A very surprised host laughed and complimented hers butt as we went out to the patio to smoke with Grindr Guy. In the midst of socializing and smoking, QB decided that a dinner party for the following day was in order. After inviting half of the crowd outside, another urge to pee hit her. This time however, the urge to hug random strangers got a hold of her. Poor people! some were shocked and surprised. Others knew us from previous visits to the bar. After much persuasion from myself and Grindr Guy, we left to get QB to bed. The car ride home was even more fun. The next stage of drunkeness that hit QB was half-consciousness. She tried writing "Bitches" on the inside of my windshield but got to the letter "B" and fell asleep. Half-way home, she goes, "My neck hurts, fix it, Bitches." So I turn her head the towards me instead and she falls over to where she is now laying half in the seat and half over the middle section of the car. She is like this for the remainder of the ride home. Getting her out of the car was a whole other story that I just don't want to get into but you can imagine the struggle. Anyways, I finally get her inside where she decides she hates dogs, can't remember who I am, and can't remember where she is. After a bit of pulling on her arm(literally), I got her in bed where she attempted to get comfortable and rolled off of the bed....twice. After a bit more struggle, I got her back in bed and called her friend "PNNU", to come over and take care of her. All in all a good night/morning. We both had some major recovery time later that day.
 Moving on, we did have a dinner party which turned out to be quite the success. QB cooked her amazing meatloaf, green beans, home-fries, and bread sticks. For desert I baked my flavorful apple cobbler. If I were to describe that meal with one word it would be, "Mouth-gasm".
  MOUTH-GASM: adjective: used to describe uncontrollable bursts of flavor orally; to describe the unknown phenomena caused by explosions of food within the mouth cavity; orgasmic pleasure in the mouth
 Needless to say, everyone enjoyed the meal. After a cigarette break outside and a few good-byes to some of the guests, we departed for another night out for karaoke. No drunkenness that night but we did stay up very late. Stay tuned for the next random adventure!

Introduction

 To start off, I am letting you know a little about my past. I was born in South Korea and adopted twice, home-schooled, moved from place to place(military brat) joined the Marine Corps, and have a rough (but getting better) relationship with the family. Oh yeah....I am gay. That about sums it up! I am an aspiring model now living in San Diego, CA. I live with my amazing roommate and stupid (yet adorable) dog.  For security reasons, I will be referring to my roommate as "Queen Bee". The dog's name is Chewy just FYI.
 Just to let ya'll know what my blog will contain....well to put simply, a lot of randomness in my adventure that I call life! I will be trying to blog at least once or twice a week.
 I just moved into a cozy and spacious apartment that I absolutely love! My kitchen is perfect for the glorious meals that Queen Bee and I cook. BTW, our food is to die for! Seriously! Chewy has adjusted amazingly well and has plenty of room for his random stupidness. I don't think he has decided which room he enjoys relaxing in yet though. LOL.
 I am actively searching for a steady job which is going incredibly slow. Gotta love today's economy! I am trying to get my name out there as a model. Kinda taking a lot longer than I had hoped though. I am also an aspiring gay porn-star. I just recently stopped playing the keyboard for a nearby church but might be playing again for another church. And yes, you did read that right! I donate plasma regularly. It is quite annoying though. I do love the movies they play though!
 Anyways, that is about all you need to know about the who I am and what I do for now. Going on about today, Queen Bee and I decided to go to Walmart to grab a silver-ware seperater and some rubber mats for the shelves in the kitchen. I am not sure if it is just our opinion or if others feel the same way, but we believe that Walmart has devilishly placed everything in random places to get buyers to spend more money on things they may or may not need. We go in with two items on our minds. We come out with about twenty... Gotta love it.
 Do you believe in Hungry Shopping? We do! Hungry shopping is similar to the above rant about Walmart. This happens when you go grocery shopping and then that evil monster, "Hunger", sneaks up on you and makes you buy all the yummy food you happen to pass by. Evil I say! Evil! The worst part is that it gets you when you least expect it! But the end rewards are always nice because when you get back home and you find out that that hunger you felt earlier is no longer there, you have all this awesome food for later!
 Earlier I mentioned how well Chewy was adjusting to the new apartment. Well as it turns out, we have a new schedule for his walks and outings. So now, he retaliates by showing his immense affection for us by leaving us presents on the carpet. He likes leaving the gift either in the bathroom or right outside of it. I am hoping that he gets used to the schedule really soon because his gifts of affection have this odor see.....LOL.
 Well that I think is enough randomness for today. Until the next adventure!