About Me

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 I am a former Marine Combat Engineer. I got out of the corps in November of 20011. I am now living in San Diego, California working as a model and actor. I am seemingly the only country guy in the area but still love the place. I am taking my life one step at a time towards a bigger better me. I will be starting college this fall. I will be studying culinary arts during my time there and hope to get a degree in business later on. I am generally a laid back guy. I have had my share of relationships and have been engaged twice. I am currently single if that says anything. I am not looking for long term so that I can focus on my life and where I am going.

Saturday, June 30, 2012

It's Raining Men! Hallelujah!

 So I just absolutely had to blog about a new movie that most women are talking about and dying to see! Did you guess it yet? If you guessed the movie "Magic Mike", you are right! But before I go into that, I'm gonna tell y'all about the other men in my life.
 My second most previous ex-boyfriend is living with a good friend of mine that I came to visit. I will call him "White Boy" just cause I can't come up with a better nick-name. Anyways, when he and I were together, I was at the peak of my alcoholism. Throughout our relationship, as short as it was, I was a monster that I never thought I could be. I didn't realize or remember most of this though, but he did enlighten me. I had slapped him in McDonald's for checking out some girl(which turns out he was looking at me) and got mad at him for no apparent reason several times. I had also drank just about every night while I was with him. There were many nights that I turned his alarm off which caused him to be late for work and had also bribed some other guy to fuck as long as he brought booze. Until that talk with him, I was under the impression that I was past the whole cheating thing. The talk with "W.B." lasted about an hour or so where he told me everything that I put him through. He also mentioned that I was his first boyfriend. I felt like the biggest asshole ever. He had tried to tell me that I was an alcoholic and needed help. Never in my life have I thought that I was capable of being such a spawn from hell. And to top it all off, my break-up lines were the worst ones ever. "It's not you, it's me." "I can't stand to be around you." "I still want to be friends."
 Like I said before, I was at the peak of my alcoholism.  Do not get me wrong, I am in no way trying to blame the alcohol for my actions. I understand full well that my decisions are mine to make. I, drunk or not, made the choice to let the worst possible side of me show brighter than the Las Vegas sign. I'm not proud of it but what's done is done. I went on to tell him that I am truly sorry and that I can't take back what I said or did. Other than that, I was completely speechless. I tried to tell him that I was the worst example of every guy out there but that I hoped he would be able to put this behind him and that there was some guy out there that would be good.
 Needless to say, I did eventually go to rehab and am a much better person because of it. Yes, I do have a drink here and there; but I drink once or twice a month on average and it is with friends and not to get drunk. Some say that I have fallen off the wagon. I see it as a privilege and luxury that I have not only earned, but also I see it as a victory on my part because I no longer let it rule my life.
 After rehab, I was in another relationship. I'll call him "Yoga Guy". Now "Y.G." and I had been in a previous relationship long before my trip to rehab which ended because I was a complete ass. However, after many long talks with him, I ended up falling in love with him all over again and tried my best to be the perfect boyfriend. I was 100% sober while I was with him until the very end which I will go into later. His father and an ex of his were the top of my imaginary hitlist, but I won't go into full detail with them. His ex was abusive causing YG a lot of mental problems and his dad was verbally abusive which didn't help at all. I stood by him when he was in the hospital and took him to his appointments when his dad wouldn't. And then I proposed to him when I thought that I wanted to grow old with him and never let go. Needless to say, I was head-over-heals in love with him. the proposal wan't the quiet, romantic one that I had dreamed of, but I did shed tears of joy. I was happier than I had ever been. Now it wasn't a perfect relationship and we had our fights. but at the end of the day, he was all I wanted in bed with me. He was mine "...to have and to hold..." and I didn't care that he had the depression and anxiety and stuff. I knew what it was like. I have the same problems. But it was hard for me when I found that he had tried to commit suicide in my room. At first, I was just broken. Tears were everywhere and after some comfort from a friend, I pulled myself together to be strong for YG. We took him to the ER where I stayed with him except for the occasional cigarette. He got back from the psychward to me suggesting a few rules and laying down the law not to be in the room alone. I was firm but I guess that was not the best approach because we ended up getting in a heated discussion which led to him going back to his house and then to another psychward. I was unaware that he went to the psychward for a second time and had not heard from him in a few days. Worried and upset, I created a profile on a dating site, adam4adam.com, to talk to a good friend of mine to talk about what I was going through. I had no phone at the time and this was like 3 in the morning. The guy I was talking to was 40 years old and gave me a lot of good advice over the years and was comforting. YG found out about the new profile but was not convinced that I was being monogamous which is understandable when looking at my past. I talked to him when he got out of the hospital and showed him the messages to prove my innocence. It was ok for a bit but then he began to have doubts again and dumped me the day before my 22nd birthday.
 After moving back to Twentynine Palms, YG messaged me. It was awkward seeing as how I dropped off his stuff at his house on my birthday in tears telling him not to talk to me and that he wasn't allowed to try to apologize and be the good guy. Fun fun.
 But now on to better guys. Hotter guys. Channing Tatum. (sigh.) Magic Mike was a movie well worth watching. It had a shitty story line but oh my god! I didn't know that Channing could move like that! Amidst the oohing and aahing, I(and probably a lot of others) enjoyed the movie immensely! It is definitely a movie I will not complain about watching again! I was hot and bothered and I'm sure that I wasn't the only one. If only I wasn't in a drought of gay men here in the desert! Ugh! The things I would have done to anyone in a bed with me last night! (sigh) =)

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Psych Wards and Kardashian Drama!

 So for those of you that have been reading my blog might wonder why I have not posted a blog in a bit. From the title, ya'll might be wondering what happened to have a title such as this... Long story but seeing as how you have time to read this post, I will go ahead and fill you in with all the gory details!
 Let's start with the beginning... While in the Marine Corps, I experienced a few things that have caused a few mental problems for me now. I was raped when I was 19 behind a club that I went to with a few "friends" and suffered through quite a bit of discrimination after I was outed. The stress of these things caused me to have anxiety attacks which sometimes led to seizures which eventually wore down my memory as well as leaving me with anxiety, depression, and PTSD. I also had to put up with the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy as part of my forced outing. I am by no means looking for your sympathy; but as I have gotten a lot of questions about my mental health in the past, I figured that I might as well get this out in the open now.
 Anyways, I was dealing with a lot of stress that landed me in my 3rd psych ward! Yippee! Not really. I felt completely out of place there as the youngest(22 years old with the majority of patients were in their 50's and 60's) and the only one getting treated for PTSD. I got the help I needed though and am not ashamed to say it. They put me on medications now and scheduled counseling sessions. Unfortunately, I had to cancel all my sessions due to more drama with the ex-roommate. But going back to the psych ward was amusing as well. I was surrounded by Mumm-Ras!!! Yes, I went there! I am a nerd and I am proud of it! LOL. My doctor was amazingly cute too! Talk about tall, dark, and handsome! Latino guy with an amazing smile. Sigh...
 Now about the drama. Da-da-da-duhhhhh. Now to all drama, there are always two sides of the story if not more. My ex-roomie offered to let me move in with her so that I could look for a job and a place of my own to live in. It was great at first. She and I got along very well and looked from the outside like a couple that had been married for 3 years. I mean like crock-pot dinners, evening outings to our favorite bar, and spoiling the dog. Things were really going well. I tried really hard to find a good job, however, I ended up doing porn, playing the keyboard for a chruch(which didn't end up paying at all), and selling Kirby vacuum cleaners. None of which paid well enough for me to move out, much less live on but it helped. I have a job coming up this next month where I would be making a good half a million at minimum. I had planned(and she knew about the plan) to reimburse her for the rent and to give her extra to spoil herself with as well as put some money down to buy her a car.
 And then the drama began... On the way to work one morning, I got into a car accident totaling my car after she had just bought a new alternator for the car. Then I ended up having to quit my job at the Kirby company in hopes of saving our friendship. Only had one day off a week and the stress and anger from work was getting vented on her. Then my nightmares(caused from my PTSD) just got too much to handle which ended up with me in the psych ward. Yay. Between quitting the job and the psych ward, she blurts out that she can no longer let me live there. I half understood but it gets worse. After I got out of the psych ward, I attempted to talk to her to see what I had done to upset her so much. She went on to explain that I was a hopeless failure and that she was tired of having me in our apartment. She went on the next few days with a hostile attitude and then called and lied to the cops saying that I had apparently threatened her with a knife and that she felt unsafe. I didn't even know that violence was in my nature other than video games or watching it on a movie. Regardless, I talked to the cops and explained to them that I had no knives in my room that I had easy access to and that that was the first time I had been in the same room much less talked to her. I also apologized for her to the cops for all 6 of them coming out for no reason. I have never had anyone call the cops on me before! WOW!
 Told you it got worse! So anyways, I ended up moving to Twentynine Palms, CA for peace of mind and drama free friends to find a new job and new college. All is going slow but much better than having cops at my front door! Until the next adventure!